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Dirty Laundry

My father has been trying to call me the past couple of days, which makes me laugh because I have JUST managed to let my self preservation instinct kick in and not give a damn anymore. I put his number in my call blocker, and now it hangs up on him every time he tries to call. Sorry, dad, I would have loved a call from you a couple of years ago instead of the occasional e-mail about what a disappointment I was. Am I good enough for you again all of a sudden? Oh well, too bad.

Been talking to my sister every couple of days which is great. She's going to stay with my uncle in Ohio for a month after school ends, and then at my aunt L's for the remainder of the summer.

At this point my father is claiming he's definitely leaving her and will have his own apartment by the time fall comes around. It seems like he's doing everything right at this point but I've learned well not to get my hopes up. When the divorce is final, I can begin to hope.

The car is in the shop and taking wayyy longer than it was supposed to. It's putting a strain on both the boyfriend and I but especially him. He's been having to walk to work for the past week and it's been nothing but a big heat wave and thunderstorms. We also need to do laundry badly. Crossing my fingers we get the car back tomorrow.

Telling myself, "I told you so."

My father is already staying back at his wife's house every night and driving her and her kids around to appointments and such. And all I can think is I KNEW IT. Once again, he has chosen a crazy abusive psychopath over his own children. I shouldn't have, even for a moment, expected anything better from him.

My sister's therapist, who knows the whole situation well, had her bring him to her last appointment and she tried to talk some sense into him. Of course he said he was still going to leave her but it was just to take the pressure off. I'm losing hope by the minute and yet I am not surprised at all.

I can't even talk to my friend D right now because he is exactly like my father and dating someone who is exactly like psycho stepmom. She screams at him, kicks his cats, and breaks his things and he swears he is going to leave her but next thing I know he is canceling plans with me to be her errand boy. And he lies about it until I drag it out of him, because he knows he's an idiot. His behavior is so much like my dad's I can't even stand to talk to him or think about seeing him at the moment because I might just take my emotions out on the wrong person.

I am on a waiting list for the only local low income mental health clinic. I never pictured a day when I would gather the courage to ask for help and be told to get in the back of the line. There is no way to tell when I'm going to get in but every time I have to hear about what's going on with my family I pray it's a little bit closer.


I can't save you.

I have so much love for my cousin R but she's been off her meds and an emotional wreck. I can only give her so much time and support before I get drained and I've been going through my own hell lately. I don't know why I always find myself in the role of caring for others even when I need someone to take care of me.

Not to be mean but every time something happens in our family she acts as if it is a tragedy that is personal to HER. When my mother died, I grieved quietly while R screamed and wailed and cried in my arms, eventually taking a trip to the local psychiatric ward. Now the stuff going on with my sister has apparently awoken memories of her being abused by her father and she's flown off the handle again. I guess I just wish someone could be strong for me for once and I kind of wish someday I could be going through a rough emotional patch and someone would say "poor mememeow, she's holding it together so well but it must be so hard" instead of "poor R, this has obviously destroyed her whole life again". The squeaky wheel always gets the grease, if you know what I mean, and I never seem to be the squeaky wheel because it goes against my nature.

Every now and then my thoughts get especially evil, and I wonder why someone like her who lives with a mother who loves her and supports her financially and emotionally, lives in a nice house, is thin and conventionally attractive, and has tons of friends along with smarts and artistic talent can't just...be happy. Just a little bit. I know it's more complicated than that but it always seems like she has so much more than I do and yet I do my best to be level headed and enjoy the little things. Right now my sister is the one who has been through a terrible trauma recently and she is doing great compared to R. I know it's mean, please don't judge me, but I just had to say it.

There were at least a couple of tornadoes within an hour and a half driving distance of my house today which was pretty surprising. We never get tornadoes up here. The whole area is under a tornado watch until 11 PM but the storms seem to have passed by. Apparently there's a lot of damage in one part of Mass and at least one fatality. Watching the news made me sick to my stomach because it's so close to home.


While everyone else is at parties with their families this weekend, my life has been eerily quiet. The boyfriend is working at an arts and crafts festival from early in the morning till late in the evening, leaving me a lot of time to sit around the apartment and think. Temperatures have been in the 90s which is too hot for me to go for walks without panicking. I have very little work compared to what I usually do. The couple of people I hang out with have been busy all weekend. So it's just me, the cats, and the apartment for the most part.

The boyfriend and I are talking about taking a vacation up in New Hampshire. It has literally been years since I've taken any sort of vacation. He just needs to get a couple days off from work in a row and we can head up there. The place we're looking at is in the White Mountains and near brooks and rivers and waterfalls. It would just be nice to get some physical distance from everything going on here and sit quietly in nature.

Open Sores

I saw my sister the other day and it was great. It's awesome knowing I can talk to her and see her whenever I want now without her stepmother threatening her.

Still, it took these wounds that have been slowly healing the past few years and ripped them wide open. She told me every detail of what happened that night and the abuse she's been taking since I moved out two years ago. (I was the scapegoat, so when I left she became the scapegoat.) And it's just tearing me apart. She's developing some major PTSD and has started having panic attacks at school. I feel so helpless because I can't do anything about it.

She went to the ER with my father on the night it happened so they could document her bruises but they left before she was seen, and now I'm afraid there isn't going to be any evidence and it's going to be swept under the rug so this monster will never be punished.

Also, apparently the police were called that night and they didn't do anything at all, which is another thing that makes no sense to me, unless my father downplayed everything like he WOULD do.

There are a lot of things about this whole situation that make no sense to me and I'm incredibly fearful my father is going to pussy out and not take any responsibility at all for what has happened. I've been talking to my aunt about it and she is afraid of the same thing.

So this is all I've been able to focus on since seeing her the other day. My anxiety and depression shot up to about a 9/10 for the entire day afterwards but it is declining a bit now. The day after I saw her I couldn't even do laundry without bursting into tears.

I know I need to get some help and my aunt really wants me to as well so I'm going to make that a priority this week.

The Tower

Today the boyfriend and I went to the wedding in Connecticut. It was nice although maybe a little bit dragged out. That's not the huge news, though. I got the huge news after we got home.

This past Monday my father's wife physically attacked my sister. She told her teacher, who called DCYF. She is living with one of her friends in the neighborhood now, and my father is alternating between staying in the basement of his wife's house and staying at the house my sister is staying at. He says he is going to divorce her, according to my aunt, but I won't believe it until I see it. I know he is going to try to reach me and play on my sympathies but I'm not speaking a word to him until the ink on the divorce papers is dry and he is in no way in contact with that woman anymore. And even after that, it's going to take a lot for me to forgive him. This wasn't a sudden thing - that woman has been physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive for years and he allowed it to happen, without ever standing up for his daughters while they were being treated like dirt.

I was too unstable to call my sister tonight but I am definitely calling her tomorrow. She basically admitted to my aunt that the reason she hasn't been in touch with anyone is because the stepmother wouldn't allow her to be, confirming what I knew all along.

I have mixed emotions. I am happy she is out of that house but I would rather have her and my father living in a shitty apartment than have her living with someone else on her own. She has to feel so alone. I am happy that everyone else finally gets to see what a nutjob this woman is and that I wasn't exaggerating a bit. I am upset that my sister has had her world flipped upside down when she has finals, her driving test, and her SATs coming up. I am happy my father seems to be leaving that woman, but I am skeptical of whether or not it will actually happen. My worst nightmare is him bringing my sister back into that house, and if DCYF doesn't prevent it then I fear it will happen.

My aunt keeps bringing up that I should go to a sliding scale mental health clinic nearby that she and my cousin have used and liked. I think she is right and I should see someone to talk to. I'll make an appointment when I get my next paycheck and have some money. Maybe even beforehand.

Another Day of Rain

Another day of rain and I haven't felt like doing a whole lot...I've been playing computer games quite a bit which I don't normally do. Mainly Plants Vs. Zombies and Portal. I've heard so much about Portal 2 but I decided to play the original Portal first. I like both games quite a bit and they've been great when I need an "escape".

The dress I ordered for the wedding on Saturday just got shipped out today. I have a feeling I'm going to be returning it. Oh well. This gives me even more of a reason not to be thrilled about going...forced social interaction and all. The wedding is at 11am, so it shouldn't take up the entire day at least.

I've been starting to work on the new idea I had for a novel. It sounded so great when I discussed it out loud with the boyfriend and I got really into it. Now that the time has come for writing, I have no idea what I'm doing. I have no confidence when it comes to writing fiction. Nothing comes out exactly the way I want it to, and I'm hypercritical of myself. I don't know what I'm going to have to do to get over this hurdle. At this rate it will become another unfinished project on my list of unfinished projects and I don't want that.

Everywhere I am I see the same kind of gold colored van my father's wife drove. I check obsessively for the telltale bumper stickers and then breathe a sigh of relief it isn't her. I don't know why I always think I'm going to run into her. It is a small state, though.

Weddings and Nightmare Editors

So this was the third or fourth day in a row without any sun...clammy and rainy and yuck. It's supposed to rain every day until next Monday or something like that. It's not doing wonders for my mood, I'll tell you that.

We have to go to a wedding in Connecticut on Saturday and I'm anxious just thinking about it. It's the boyfriend's friend's wedding and I won't know anyone there besides the bride and groom probably, and I barely even know them. I ordered a dress to wear because I tried on every dress I own and felt they all looked like crap. I don't think I'm going to get the dress I ordered on time, though. If I don't I'm going to return it.

I've been having more issues with this editor from the site I fact check for. She decided to go and complain to higher ups that I don't send articles back to writers for corrections and shit like that (I had sent at least five back in the previous 24 hours). I decided to respond to the project manager that I have been fact checking there for a year, and it was only this one editor in particular who ever had a complaint about me, and she's only been there a month or two. This drives me nuts, that no matter what kind of job you do there is always that *one* person who tries to mess things up for you. I hate to say it, but that one person is always a woman too. At least that's how it's always been for me.

Well that's about all the complaining I have to do for today. All things considered, my panic symptoms have been under control and I'm not doing too badly. I also haven't really left the house for more than 20 minutes but maybe that will change tomorrow.

Thanks for That

I've felt some of the negativity creeping in tonight so I need to redirect my energy...I'm going to focus on some things I am thankful for.

I have a supportive and kind boyfriend who would never hurt me and does everything he can for me.

A cat who lovingly curls up next to my head every night.

I have my own apartment where I don't have to feel uncomfortable or afraid of anyone I live with.

I've gone from being paid minimum wage in retail to doing something I actually like.

I quit smoking and I don't even miss it.

Now that I put it that way, my life seems pretty cushy. And I have a lot to be thankful for. I can never lose sight of that.

I've been down on myself for gaining weight but that's something I can change, especially if I keep up with walking every day. It's a result of not smoking plus working from home, I'm sure. Completely normal. I will not even buy a scale or step on one right now though because I really don't want to know.

It's supposed to rain every day this week but I will do my damndest to get out there.

Writer's Block: Tobacco road

Would you want your city to outlaw smoking on public streets? Why or why not?

If they're going to do that, they should just outlaw smoking in general. As tempting as that sounds, however, I guess I wouldn't interfere with a person's right to do it.

I quit smoking a year ago this August and this time I truly haven't missed it. A switch flipped in my brain and I realized what I was doing to myself physically and financially.

I try not to judge smokers because I thought I'd never quit and I had this delusion that I "enjoyed" it, the same thing I see a lot of smokers telling themselves. It's not their fault, though; it's entirely brainwashing performed by the nicotine poison so that huge corporations can turn billions in profit.

While I think of smoking as a filthy and unhealthy habit akin to throwing money down the toilet, I don't believe in trying to force people to quit. Smokers can only quit on their terms and when they're ready. If they're lucky, it happens before it impacts their health too much.

So, no, don't ban smoking on public streets. I'd prefer not to smell it but as long as it isn't hurting me I don't care what other people do.